5 Common Mother-Daughter Relationship Wounds

The mother-daughter relationship is one that can be nurturing for some and complicated for others. For some daughters, it can be frustrating and overwhelming dealing with their mothers, due to conflict, expectations and communication barriers. As well, the mother-daughter dynamic can be a product of ancestral wounds and trauma that are unintentionally passed down for generations. 

A daughter's relationship with her mother is an important one, as a mother acts as a primary attachment figure, and can provide a template for the attachment style daughters form. The mother-daughter dynamic plays a role in how a daughter feels secure and safe in other relationships and can also impact the self-worth and love she builds within herself. 

Mothers and daughters frequently feel that they “should' be able to get along” and that they “should be close.” This societal expectation makes mothers and daughters blame themselves for their relationship difficulties. 

To move forward in healing the mother-daughter relationship wounds, daughters must first understand what wounds they are holding onto and the belief system they are rooted in.

Here are 5 common wounds daughters can struggle with as a result of mother-daughter relationship conflict. 

Guilt and Shame 

Carrying guilt and shame from mother-daughter conflict is quite common in women today. Guilt and shame are often rooted in the expectation and belief that daughters and mothers are expected to “be perfect.” We often see this come through in how daughters view themselves and how they interact in their mothering dynamic with their own children. 

Mothers can inadvertently place expectations and “rules” on their daughters that are rooted in societal norms and generational belief systems, that can leave daughters feeling inadequate, not enough or “a failure” if they don’t follow along.   

Daughters can feel pressure to adhere to strict expectations of womanhood, motherhood and daughterhood, instead of just being who they are, free from all the predetermined roles and identities that they are expected to follow. This can restrict daughters to living the dreams and life their mother wanted them to live instead of living out the journey that feels right for them. Sometimes, this way of living can also show up as resentment and bitterness towards their own children, or feeling like they are not a “good enough mother.” 

Over-Giving and People Pleasing 

Often, daughters are raised in an environment that encourages women to be caretakers to others, to the point of putting other people's emotions and needs above their own. Some mothers expect daughters to follow traditions of over-giving, over-extending and making sure everyone else is comfortable, at the expense of their daughters own emotional and physical well-being. This over-giving and pleasing people can trigger feelings of resentment, exhaustion and burn out. 

Seeking External Validation 

Do you find yourself seeking your mother’s permission or approval for your life choices? Or feel you’ve failed the family or your mother when things don’t work out how you wanted or expected? This wound of constantly seeking external validation and approval is often rooted in self-doubt and an inability to trust your own choices and intuition. 

This wound can arise from a mother-daughter dynamic where the daughter receives consistent criticism and negative feedback from her mother when she expresses her own ideas, choices and opinions. This can leave a daughter feeling unheard and unseen in the mother-daughter dynamic, and can result in her placing unrealistic expectations in other relationships and feeling relentlessly needy with others, seeking their attention and validation, because she hasn’t learned how to provide that validation for herself. 

Weak Boundaries 

Is it difficult for you to express your boundaries? Do you feel like your mother doesn’t respect or listen to your boundaries? Does your mother tell you that boundaries don’t apply to family? 

Boundary setting in a family dynamic is both loving and necessary in strengthening the family bond. When a daughter finds herself in a mother-daughter dynamic where boundaries are constantly challenged or neglected, it’s important for her to understand that she doesn’t require her mothers validation and approval of those boundaries. 

Often, when mothers don’t listen or respect her daughters' boundaries, she’s coming from the mindset that “mothers know best,” daughters should listen to their mothers or that parents inherently have power and control over their children. This dynamic can result in weak boundary setting and enforcing and can result in allowing and accepting poor or abusive treatment from others. 

Communication is KEY when developing and enforcing boundaries. There is setting and expressing boundaries and enforcing those boundaries. Expressing a boundary is being clear and concise on what that boundary is and the actions you will take when that boundary is not respected. Enforcing a boundary is following through and taking the action you said you would take, 

Lack of Self-Worth 

Conflict in a mother-daughter relationship can sometimes leave daughters feeling unworthy of receiving unconditional love from others because their sense of self-worth and self-love wasn’t encouraged and nurtured in their relationship with their mother. If a mothers love was always conditional to how the daughter acted, in accordance with a mothers expectations, it can be difficult to develop trust and love for oneself. 

A lack of self-worth can show up as daughters not feeling deserving of actualizing their full potential, out of fear of failure or disapproval. Daughters can carry the wound of feeling unsafe to take up space and express what they need for support. 

Strengthening the Mother-Daughter Dynamic 

We can see how life events, restrictive gender roles and expectations that women should sacrifice their needs in their caregiving role all shape how mothers and daughters communicate, care for others and practice self-love. Where can you start to resolve conflict and heal the wounds of dysfunctional mother-daughter relationships? 

It’s important to sit with “what is” and not with “what it should have been.” Honor yourself, your feelings and your experiences. Through compassion, you will be able to see your relationship as an opportunity to grow, learn and actualize who you are today. 

To illustrate, I’ve shared my own personal experience with my mother. My relationship with my mother shaped who I was and who I am today. My personal quest to resolve my mother-daughter relationship wounds has allowed me to help others in my professional practice. 

You can view the full story here.

If you’re interested in digging deeper into your mother-daughter relationship dynamic and want to explore growth, guidance and positive change through Attachment Theory and Somatic Psychotherapy and Parts Work, book an initial consultation with me here.